Chapter Eleven For Emerz; Reunions

We have a friend, could be the love child of Jennie Garth and Peter Fancinelli, raised at the bottom of a well and fed only cottage cheese. A fleshy vampire, a fiend, an avid Agnes B supporter. It's been too long. Starting in three weeks Emerz will be getting tons of face time, as their summer associate positions begin at Fleck, Kuehnle, Potter and Potter. They'll be working in the bankruptcy division, "moral, I hope," says Emerz, who has cold feet due to not wearing socks.

I ran into Toni recently at a memorial service for a bouncer we both knew. She was wearing a black veil, her dress nearly as see-through. We spoke for a moment or two about the usual: ironic bling, the ab definition of certain lifeguards in Montauk, botched breast enhancements, successful penis enlargements, famous four-year-olds, Trinity politics, Guardasil, the effect of Guardasil on Trinity politics, blog hits, Dianetics, sleep disorders, etc., until I realized we barely have anything in common anymore.

No Matter Who Wins, We All Win

(Images courtesy of Emerz)

Channing Tatum lost the role of Gambit in the upcoming and badass-looking Wolverine biopic to Tim Riggins. If only every tragedy resolved itself so beautifully. Tatum O'Neal, on the other hand...

In Which We Wish Nothing Ever Happened. Also, Emerz' Idea of Heaven. Also, Sasha Grey

Everyone's hawking the fish sandwich now. "Must be the recession," says Emerz. We're Googling Sasha Grey, wiping tartar sauce from our lips. She's legitimate now, available for daytime viewing (Safesearch set on Moderate (Lust, Caution)), the star of Steven Soderberg's new film, The Girlfriend Experience, something some of us know something about already. Even if people (like Emerz, for one) cry gimmicky cross-over casting, I tell Emerz it has to be better than Julia Roberts playing Julia Roberts in the lamentable, touristy Ocean's Twelve.

"I prefer Grey's earlier work," says Emerz, and there is something to her; an honesty, a dignity kept intact despite the running mascara and gritty digital video.

One clip we find has Emerz mesmerized. "I don't believe in heaven," he says, "but if I did I believe it would be this, played on an infinite loop, for all eternity."

"You mean you would be the lucky guy?" I ask.

"Oh," says Emerz. "Right, yes." Sex, lies and videotape.

"Because you don't have to be dead to watch pornography all day," I say. I mean, video is a passive medium, but you don't want her doing all the work.

The TV in heaven plays my favorite scene. Play it one more time. Play it all night long.

(See Talking Heads, Lust, Caution, Sasha Grey youtube testimonials. Emerz says to link it, but that's a slippery slope.)

Falling Asleep With Emerz

We're talking about someone new. Someone borrowed. Someone blue. "She was all like, 'I love you Emerz, but I just can't spend another night falling asleep to 9/11 conspiracy documentaries on Google Video,'" says Emerz.

"I know, I know," I say. "Was it Spare Change I or II?"

Lunch With Emerz

On the way to Subway I call Emerz. "30 Rock stole your Pelican Brief joke," he says. "Of course, theirs was better." Yeah yeah. "It doesn't matter either way," says Emerz. "I'm onto The Rainmaker."

"Where are you now?" I ask.

"On the way home from Subway," says Emerz.

We have a friend, an econ major. Well, we know lots of people with lots of interests, but he does something with it. Well, still does something with it. He says Subway has changed the lunch game forever, changed the way America eats lunch. I asked Roy (short for something long) the same question I ask everybody: How much longer? But unlike everybody else, he has an answer. A week and a half.

"No such thing as a free lunch," says Emerz.

Toni and I Meet Sans Emerz

I text Toni, my grammar perfect. In this way, I date myself. She responded with a slew of new acronyms. Acronyms, they cover all manner of sins. After hours of deciphering I realized it included her address. In this way, I date Toni.

The Metro North out of New Haven smells like urine. To pass the time I try to recall sexual partners. That gets me as far as West New Haven.

"So how far is Emerz into The Pelican Brief?" she asks, as we stroll towards a frozen hot chocolate.

"Not as far as he might like," I say. "He's always distracted by interracial couples. Sad, in this day and age."

"That movie came out 16 years ago," says Toni. "It has nothing to do with our day and age."

Toni's roommate is the zeitgeist. I decide not to press it.

"So how did he get the job anyways?" I ask.

"Ugh," she says. "At Fleck, Kuehnle, Potter and Potter? Trust me, it's not that hard. I'm guessing the associate went to Buckley, maybe a wristwatch changed wrists, there may have been some inference of black mail on Emerz' part concerning a semester of mine at Millbrook that got cut short. But congratulate him for me, if you feel up to it."

"Do you love Emerz?" I ask.

"Do you?" she says, and she won't take yes for an answer.

Summer Job For Emerz

"Well, let's see," says Emerz, after I ask him for an update. "I just watched The Duchess."

"Not overly interested," I say. Emerz and I know people who won't even watch movies with costumes. But because we wear costumes everyday, we sometimes let it slide.

"I'm waiting for the day when Knightley will just become Helen Bonham Carter."

"Is that what you're waiting for?"I say. Everyone is wondering.

"Like Cruella DeVille," says Emerz, sighing.

"Oh, I see," I say. "You're watching Damages again." We had a talk about this once, post-Toni. Short version: Slight restraining order, Emerz charmed her lawyer, snagged the summer internship at his firm. He's been doing research ever since.

"I can assure you, they'll all be billable hours," says Emerz. "Trust me."

If this sounds too Gossip Girl-y, remember that Emerz read the books.

"Ahem," says Emerz.

More than once.