Emerz Goes to Thailand, Struggles For Relevance

"It's like, the balder Nic Cage gets, the more hair he has?"

Emerz is confused, struggling over this paradox while watching Bangkok Dangerous. Nicholas Cage looks more and more like Alan Rickman every day, I tell Emerz.

Emerz always references celebrities in a casual shorthand, like how he saw Bobby de Niro at a sushi restaurant, or Angie Jolie at a toy store. It's something you get used to, or you don't spend much time with Emerz. The villain in Bangkok Dangerous is Thai. You know he's bad because he has blond hair, says Emerz.

I find it increasingly hard to take Cage seriously, but Emerz still holds him dear. "You have to respect a man that takes his fetishes that seriously," says Emerz. He lists them on his fingers. Lisa Marie Presley. A 19-year-old Japanese wife. "Someone say passion project?" says Emerz lowly, widening his eyes and biting his bottom lip. Like, wink wink. Nudge nudge.

Emerz coddles his fetishes with similar vigor. Coyote Ugly, for one thing. That's still going on. Ladies tennis. Something involving ladies tennis and belts, actually. Pregnant women. Pregnant women smoking. I won't say what Emerz wants them to smoke. Emerz is a veritable piggy bank of web site passwords. His doorstep is often home to plain brown packages. He sees a kindred spirit in Nicholas Cage. Even the craggy, marrow-deficient Cage of Bangkok Dangerous, the one who looks ridiculous in leather. The one who looks wobbly on a motorcycle. The one who breaks all his own rules and dates a deaf Thai woman who works at a pharmacy. The hit man with the heart of gold. We've seen it before. His life is a paradox. The balder he gets, the more hair he has.

The New Mandy Moore, the Old Diane Keaton

Emerz called me, told me there was a Mandy Moore vehicle I had to see to believe. "Why," I asked. "Because I said so," he said. If there's something to be said for Diane Keaton, it is that she can still pull off a hat. Or, at least, she thinks she can. Ever since she was romanced by Jack Nicholson in "Old People Doing It in the Hamptons," Hollywood has decided that Keaton is the poster girl for mature sexuality. The problem is that she treats the role and the sex with such immaturity. Whenever the man comes around she melts, going from frigid to bubbly in a wrinkly spasm. That movie, while not as revolutionary as some would have us believe (it comes nowhere near the much more serious and touching "Away From Her"), as well as a growing concern and industry surrounding older people's sex lives, has given birth, miraculously, to "Because I Said So," in which a meddling, sexually frustrated woman lives her love life vicariously through her youngest daughter, played with admirable effort by Mandy Moore. Ever since Moore hit the scene with "Candy" I have been a fan. I also enjoyed "In My Pocket." She dated Fez pre-Lohan and for a while was mired in a three-way tie for third place with Jessica Simpson and, I don't know, Willa Ford for the pop queen title. Simpson was religious with a sinfully inspired body, Ford looked like a monster truck spokeswoman, Britney was our sweetheart and Xtina was wondering how she got involved considering her pipes. Moore needed a hook, and she never came up with one. I find it charming as to how she is always apologizing for her previous work. First of all, don't apologize for "Candy" and then give me "Because I Said So," and secondly, don't treat me like I didn't know exactly what "Candy" was when it came out - tasty and bad for me. In fact, the fact that you are apologizing at all makes me wonder whether you still don't get the joke, the obvious sexual metaphor of a 15-year-old girl singing about something sooooo sweet. The movie minus Keaton would be standard romcom fare. A woman is confused as to what she wants, strings along two different but okay guys, acts surprised when they find out about each other and aren't thrilled, makes a pouty face, eats dinner alone during a slow song while balancing a huge red wine glass precariously on her knee. One man is right for her, the other is successful. Her loft is all exposed brick and black and white movies playing in the background. She runs a catering company and loves her job. Food makes sense to her- she knows something is wrong with her and Tom Everett Scott when she burns the souffle. Moore looks good as a cook. The extra 8 pounds settle well on her body. Emerz liked this movie because of Piper Perabo (Keaton's middle, sensual daughter between Rory's mom on "Gilmore Girls" and Moore) who needs to divorce her agent. He is a big fan of "Coyote Ugly." You say, "Who isn't?!" but Emerz is a really big fan. He saw it in the theaters twice and bought the lobby display "for a song," and has a poster signed by Maria Bello and Adam Garcia in his bathroom. Also, he's from New York and he goes to the real place often. Too often. Like, thrice a week. Watching Annie Hall experience her first orgasm with the Dad from "7th Heaven" (Stephen Collins, who also kills it on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia") has its charms, but by the third time you see them together you wonder when they are going to get into a rhythm and learn how to do it without breaking everything in their apartments. First orgasm? Yes. Keaton explains to Moore that her father "said he didn't have all day and he worked at night." And now that she has had one she loosens up and lets Moore live her own life. How liberating for them. And then the movie is over. How liberating for us, the audience, for whom the whole afternoon has just opened up as we rejoice in being alone.