FRIENDSHIP IS RARE, or INNUENDO OVERLOAD

(Image courtesy of Emerz) What should young people do with their lives today?Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.-Kurt Vonnegut Emerz is familiar with loneliness. He knows the cold feeling of a television remote on a Friday night. He knows the clammy spiral of porn sites and the false hope of adultfriendfinder. Emerz knows the thunderous silence of a quiet phone, lying across his bed under the heavy drapes of the canopy, legs crossed behind him, face first into a suffocating pillow. Oh wait, he has it on silent. There. That's better. Brody Jenner should be immune to this affliction, Emerz thinks. The fact that he clearly is not does not have the reassuring effect Emerz was hoping for. It's more like a guffaw, like, Brody's got problems? Like, is there hope for anybody? Here's the thing about Emerz and Brody Jenner. Emerz would consider himself to be friends with Brody. Bromance is something of an insult to Emerz. He wasn't aware Brody felt so alone. A Brody Jenner dating show, Emerz could get behind that. Brody's got needs, Emerz understands this. And any woman would be lucky to land him. It speaks to Jenner's skills that he doesn't need MTV for women. So then, what does Bromance say about him? There was a bad split with Spencer, former BFF. "You're dead to me," Spencer said to Brody, "I'm talking to a dead man right now." How many times have I heard that, thinks Emerz. Variations on a long-running theme, thinks Emerz. Breaking up is hard to do. I don't believe that Spencer and Brody are actually enemies, but Emerz gets fussy if you challenge the reality established by The Hills. So Brody is floating listlessly through Los Angeles without anyone to tell him how good he looks, without anyone to laugh at his jokes or admire the shiny leather of his SUV's interior or stand next to and feel taller, faster, sharper. He has Frankie, but he is more of a succubus than a wingman. More of a hanger-on or package carrier than friend. Emerz is adamant on this point. Of all the teams Emerz is on (Team L.C., Team Aniston, Team Ronson, Team Fez (vs Moore), Team Moore (vs Roddick)) team Not Frankie is Emerz' banner headline, his number one cause, his Rushmore. Emerz doesn't feel too threatened by the competition, as he calls them. He was puzzled by the arrival of an openly gay contestant, until I explained to him that the gay man's purpose was to assure us that all the rest of the bros were not gay. No matter how much time they all spend in the hot tub together ("That's just how Brody rolls," Emerz tells me after I wonder aloud about the hot tub thing). The gay man may have spoken for all of us when he said, "I thought this would be more like an episode of the Hills." It is not, despite Lauren's cameo in later episodes. Say what you want about the denizens of The Hills, but they don't go to Fredrick's of Hollywood parties at Hush. They don't have Boston accents. They don't worship television personalities. They don't drink out of red solo cups. They don't help people, or reconsider, or apologize well. "What are friends for?" I once asked Emerz, rhetorically, while giving him an affectionate slap on the back. "I've got no idea," replied Emerz. With Brody, he thinks he is beginning to understand. Emerz owns the Princes of Malibu Collector's Edition DVD Box Set. He celebrates the entire Jenner catalogue. He bought birthday presents for Brody's half-sisters, the Kardashians. He refused to watch Kim's sex tape ("my most trying hour," says Emerz) out of familial love. Emerz doesn't like to share (see the great six-foot party-sub debacle of '06), but even he has to admit that there is more than enough Brody to go around. He's going to keep his eye on the black guy though. "I don't trust him," he says. "I don't want Brody to get hurt."