In Which We Watch "Lie to Me" Online After Emerz Loses the Remote

"Lie to me," sings Emerz softly. "I promise, I'll believe."

"The check's in the mail," I say.

"I love you," says Emerz.

"The dog ate my homework," I say.

"The dog ate my condom," says Emerz.

"I was talking about someone else named Emerz," I say.

"I was thinking of you the whole time," says Emerz.

"I got no problem with lies," says Emerz. "Where would we be without them? Virginal, in jail, minus the insurance money from the speedboat. I find them comforting. Flattering."

"Emerz' new clothes," I say.

"What?" he says. "I just got back from the outlet mall!"

We're knee-to-knee on the couch. My eyes burn from the PC screen. The episode ends. The rapist almost got away. The browser window closes and a Word document pops up. Personal essays. I mean, personal.

"Oh, about these," says Emerz. "I'm going back to college."

"Barber or clown?" I say, with kindlings of jealousy twisting into fire somewhere between my heart and my head. I'm not sure where the feeling comes from. I think about Uggs and iPhones and ivory towers, my own squandered third chances. Emerz sighs. I stretch. "I'll talk to you later, Van Wilder," I say, bitingly, wondering when I will grow up enough to allow others their fair share of happiness.